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BACK TO WHERE I STARTED FROM?
I just re-read my post from Sept 22, 2009. On loneliness. And I ask myself, as here I am, still alone: am I right back to where I started from? Even, have I ever left that place?
MamaCat is now curled tight against her son, her back against his belly. Does she remember that he's her son? He's 14. It a very long time since he's been a kitten. Her other 2 sons are also close. Is there something pulling them to her today, as it's very likely close to her death?
But there is often closeness between them. Though I don't remember the 4 of them like this, with her in the center. It could be just that I am paying more attention today.
But, again, am I back to where I started from - deep loneliness?
Not completely. No feeling of loneliness today. But loneliness keeps creeping around the edges. The yearning for love. for a partner
to love and be loved by, for a partner to share days and interests.
I've kept feeling, just about throughout my life, that things will soon change.
And I suppose - know - that lots has changed.
I could reply facetiously - yes, I'm older.
Another reply is that lots has come together with ideas, reaching out, even contacts.
But I see, from the
that blog post from almost 8 years ago, that then too there were contacts - people writing back to me. Somehow I'm better at contacts through writing than everyday closeness. Maybe because much of my own feeling of connection was from reading - the feeling of connection to characters in books.
Anyway, once again,
all the best,
PS. Something else has come to mind, from reading the responses to my post from long ago - that I stopped sending out to all the people whom I was sending out to way back then. I was being ever more caught up with my concern about Islam. The personal was still there, but I couldn't keep up with everything. Time kept slipping by.
And now? Will this be another flash in the pan - a bit of writing today - and then nothing for years?
I don't think so - but I certainly didn't suspect, when I wrote what turned out to be the last personal blog in 2011, that it would be my last for years and years.
We will see.
posted March 8, 2017
Am I back to where
I started from?
Despite all the effort,
all the work?
I know I'll keep going,
but it is a big question.
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