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So here I am,
A big question - how to do this?
I can do this,
It's easiest in the morning.
What do you see when
Ups and downs. Hopes and actions and setbacks.
JULY 24, 2006
ILLUSIONS OF PROGRESS - AND THEN THE REALITY,
It's hard. Yesterday evening the first of the Fluffers Book got listed on MSN - the number - over 30 - and when I checked, it wasn't there even though I got all the way to page 37. And loads of other pages were after that.
So I have worked today.
But the well feels dry.
I have in fact worked very hard.
I have put other keywords in for Caro's Quest.
But I am discouraged.
How do I ever reach other people? How do others ever get to know of Caro's Quest, and of all the things I have done.
Step by step, I tell myself.
Don't give up.
Don't let go.
Don't this and don't that.
I think of the first word piece I ever wrote.
It's called Almost and it's about almost giving up.
I didn't give up.
But sometimes I get very discouraged.
My father's curse - his and mine - the quest for the elusive audience.
I can blame myself. I also know the world is clogged with creative people looking for a place for their creativity.
I am determined to be one of the people who gets heard.
I am not 18.
Lots of water under the bridge.
Still, very discouraged today.
Who will help me, i used to go. I am trying to help myself.
I think that I will link here to Almost - which means of course putting Almost on the web, as its one of hundred of pieces that is still only on my computer, on a few pieces of paper.
Lots of hopes for that one, at the start. I wrote it for a friend who was thinking of a teen program - troubled teens struggling. And with that faintest of faint glimmers of the possibility of someone hearing my stuff, I "hear" almost, line by line. I think I remember where it started. In the tub - the words coming. And so I wrote it.
The show never happened. The word piece continued to exist. But did not find a home in the world.
Here. it is.So much has happened,so amazingly much - the site has been gone over and over, with bits of fine-tuning done page after page, so many thousands of details checked into.
Masses of work - but not the big sweeping work of thinking up the general design, but the work of trying to make sure that a page has the best possible chance of looking good to whoever looks at it, and has the best possible chance of being looked at.
In many ways it's the begriming of a very long haul, from the first getting the toes wet to being deep in the ocean of the web - swimming hopefully, not caught in an undertow.
So work has also been done on keywords, checking that the pages do what the web wants, so they will be seen. Someone has said this is doing tricks. I have thought about this a lot. And I think of people studying for tests memorizing dates they will never need again, doing their best for scores that will give them a better chance of getting into a university, getting a scholarship. I think of birds singing - all to up their chances of getting the mate they want.
Well, I see what I am doing in the same light - I see there is a tunnel and light at the end of it. I am trying to get to that light as quickly as possible, hurting no one on the way. This isn't about knocking anyone down or out, as in war games. It is about doing one's best.
I think of Olympic champs, of people who perform better than most others. Effort and learning.
It doesn't mean always conforming. I have been dreadful at following rules.
I think of cellist Jacqueline Dupre - recognized the world over though her playing style was totally unconventional.
Anyway, I am going off on all kinds of tangents.
But central is ... I have been giving things my best shot, trying to make sure I help this project as much as possible, not let it down when I could possible do something to give it a better chance.
But I haven't written at all in this blog. No inner urge to tell of all I'm doing. Even now I'm writing because I've just gone over the entries, have done little things in the display, and at the end have decided it's time for a hello, an update.
Things are going well - but always much more slowly than I'd like.
I wanted to get going on the next area - The Idea Emporium - three weeks ago when I came home.
I am just about there - and it's hard because there are all kinds of versions of the opening page (2 mainly) and so instead of just forging ahead, setting something up, I am looking at what has been done. How will that be incorporated? What will be used and what left behind?
I will see.
Now I am going onto the web, first to upload a whole slew of slightly revised pages, and then to submit (hate that word, connotations of submission, being submissive) another page to MSN (right now, they're taking sites one page per day), and also to submit the full site as it stands to Yahoo and Google. I've waited with Yahoo and Google until now - not like with my first site (this is just the second) because I found the thought of doing it too challenging, threatening, frightening, mind-boggling - but because I wanted the site to be good enough, by my own standards. Today it is.
And then it will be time to tackle The Idea Emporium. Quite a different direction. Somehow or other I am leaving Zee's Cafe Cafe almost until the end of my projects. My guess: once I get started, it will be so big it will be a while before I emerge for anything else. Maybe not, of course. We will see.
I am seeing myself looking outward at me from the page. She is wondering. I am wondering. She had just taken a short break from doing. For me, this is both doing (writing the blog) and taking a break from doing (from doing all the work on the site that is needed to bring it out into the world). This writing in fact doesn't feel like work.
Does the other stuff feel like work? It involves loads
of mundane details, and also masses of learning. It feels good to be
getting the stuff done.
As always, welcome into my world.
JULY 24, 2006
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