Problem Number One:
Why Don't We Start with One of the Biggest Problems of All ...

Keeping the Love Light Burning -
by Lessening the Stockpile of Anger

Solution - easier said than done. Maybe a good starting point is doing our best to keep the baddies out, and get rid of the baddies that have crept in.

One of the biggest baddies is a storehouse of anger on both sides. That's great for getting quite some fire going - but the opposite of a love light.

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It's all very well and good to say, don't be angry. Or to say, express your anger constructively. Or, concentrate on the good stuff.

But there's often something we'd like to have a little different - and that's putting it mildly. Sometimes we need something to change, and are awful at getting it to happen. We want something (reasonable or not), are not getting it. The other wants something (reasonable or not), is not getting it.

Staying silent just makes us fume. It may help for a while to sound off to friends, but it doesn't do much in the long run. As for speaking to our partner, we may know that is likely to lead to fights. So we may not speak until we're angry, and then of course when we do speak, there it is,... the next fight.

That's a fabulous recipe for putting out the love light.

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So one thing many of us could use is some help figuring out how to ask for what we want in a way that increases the likelihood that we get it without alienating our partners.

A friend, Dominique Simon, has started a treatment center for people connected to addicts (alcoholics and drug addicts). The people want to get their partners, children, siblings into treatment.

Few methods have had much success. Al-Anon, for family members of alcoholics, has about a 10% annual success rate. But the goal of Al-Anon isn't about continuing to try to change the addict; the goal is to have the people close to addicts start taking care of themselves, instead of continually focusing on the addicts. A belief is that addicts need to be "ready" before they go for treatment. They need to bottom.

This isn't the case, according to some studies. The intervention method used by Dominique has a success rate of up to 80% with adolescents, and between 60 and 70% with partners of addicts.

Why am I going on about a method for getting people to deal with their addictions, when all we may want is to get someone to make the bed, go out to dinner, listen when we're talking?

The answer: if something is powerful enough to get an addict into treatment, it could well be enough to get us much smaller things.

Dominique's recipe can be found in Robert Meyer's How to Get Our Loved One Sober - an alternative to nagging, begging, threatening, and other nasties. It basically boils down to asking for small things one may be able to get, getting small successes, giving praise, and building from there - in other words, building a stockpile of good feelings instead of adding to the stockpile of frustration, resentment, rage, bitterness.

"I really like it, spending the evening with you when you're sober. How about, on Tuesday, we go bowling and there's no drinking." And then, "Tuesday was wonderful. How about doing it again next week."

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In a nutshell, it's positive reinforcement. We ask in a positive way ("I love it when you listen to me," and not, "I hate it when you hog the conversation." Then there's praise and good stuff when something good happens.

If the good stuff doesn't happen, it's important to have alternate plans that are good for us, rather than moving to rage at our partners, arguing, nagging, or anything other negative pattern that it might be easy to get caught up in. We go to a friend's; we read a book; we take the dog for a long walk; we do something that gives us pleasure.

And then, from the position of having gotten good stuff for ourselves, which should lessen the stockpile of anger and increase the stockpile of happiness, we go back, over and over, to asking for small bits of good stuff, and to building on whatever good does happen. So we work on our own satisfaction (when that's the best we can get), and on good times with our partner.

Note: we don't have to do this. At any point, if we feel like giving up, we can. It's just a recipe for trying to reach our partners for as long as we feel like doing this, a recipe that lessens our anger, and increases our well-being, whatever the outcome.

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Does the method work?

It often isn't easy. It often goes by the wayside. But along with all kinds of other stuff, things may very well get better.

That's it for now. With lots of further thoughts, and an invitation for you to add your own experiences.

To be continued.

signed,

Dr Zee
September 30, 2006

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2006
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2006

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comments, questions, experiences, more ideas

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Suggested reading: How to Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert Meyers.

Counseling for the loved ones of addicts:

Dominique Simon, PhD, MPH
Center for Addiction Recovery
Allies In Recovery
131 Silver Lane
Sunderland, MA 01375
413 665-2779

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For a lot more on the impact of anger, turn to The Idea Emporium,
starting with a piece on The Rage of the Righteous.
That's followed by other pieces on:
the outraged self-righteous,
the unwillingness of the self-righteous to face their own non-righteous sides,
and the potential impact of a powerful mirror on the raging self-righteous.

DR ZEES LOVELINE
SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS
love liking hate anger rage disconnection boredom * relationships relating *
narcissism self-involvement blindness * shells * spells * jealousy *
caring empathy passion intensity compassion * self-expression self-knowledge *
blocks * walls * stalls * fear * fear as weapon * human possibilities and limitations *
hurting others * loss grief sorrow * elevation * admiration * elation * loving longing lusting *
connections interconnections * terror dread horror anguish *
perception misperception misconceptions lying deceiving self-deception denial *
recognition joy welcome warmth * craziness * crazy thinking * connections to social issues
like prejudice, fundamentalism, terrorism, genocide, peace *
SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS
DR ZEES LOVELINE

Dr Zees LoveLine -
"In love you could shine like a brilliant star."
Message from a fortune cookie.

Love burns out, runs dry, goes bad.
Dr Zees LoveLine explores:
how do we get and keep the love we long for?
Fortune cookie message:
In love you could shine like a brilliant star.
But how?

Click here for the menu of all the entries
on
Dr Zees LoveLine.

Click here the start of an exploration of Caring -
and an invitation to add your own thoughts.

top of page

****

Dr Zees LoveLine
(correctly written Dr. Zee's Love Line)

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe a lifeline, a hopeline.
Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe a lifeboat, a raft, a lifebuoy when the going is a bit rough.
Dr Zees LoveLine - we all can use a helping hand sometime,
and just maybeDr Zees LoveLine can give a helping hand,
rather than a kick in the pants -
though sometimes a good swift kick in the pants
can also be useful
if we're not doing our best,
not trying over and over -
instead maybe hiding our heads and eyes and ears from loads of evidence.

But back to Dr Zees LoveLine -
"in love you could shine like a brilliant star" -
well, maybe you could and maybe you couldn't,
but most, there are no guarantees here, no promises,
just suggestions at best.

.easier to get ideas through to people, for me at least,
than to get more love going.

Dr Zees LoveLine - a try to get more warmth, compassion, loving feeling going.
"We've lost that loving feeling," goes one song.
Too bad when that happens.

How to get more loving feeling, good loving feeling not with angry hate stripes running through it,
or so much fear that it hardly gets out, fear of seeming foolish, fear of reaching out -
big questions.

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe love isn't all you need, but love is a good part of it.

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe there's something in it for you.
My big hope - that there's something in it for me.

So much of my life I have longed for more love, most of all for more loving feeling in me,
for things like falling in love, heart melting open wide, heart breaking open wide -
not easy for many of us -
not easy for my mother, abandoned by her mother,
not easy for her mother, who lost her own mother to death at seven months,
not easy for me, though I have felt it,
and have felt loss,
and have always felt -
the love was worth it.

Love, such an amazing feeling.

Dr Zees LoveLine -

recipes for that loving feeling -
but no promises, no guarantees.

Dr Zees LoveLine - part of my own life line.

signed,

Dr Zee
September 30, 2006


copyright © Elsa Schieder 2006
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2006

DR ZEES LOVELINE
love liking longing aching wanting desiring having holding caring *
hate anger rage outrage disgust * disconnection boredom *
relationships relating * narcissism self-involvement blindness *
shells * spells * jealousy *
caring empathy passion intensity compassion *
self-expression self-knowledge *
blocks walls stalls shells inner spells *
fear * fear as weapon *
human possibilities and limitations *
* hurting others * loss grief sorrow *
elevation * admiration * elation *
loving longing lusting *
connections interconnections *
terror dread horror anguish *
elevation * admiration * elation *
connections interconnections *
connections to social issues
like prejudice, fundamentalism, terrorism, genocide, peace *
DR ZEES LOVELINE

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