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elsa - word, story, image idea music person
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A big question - how to do this?elsa - word, story, image idea music person
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elsa - word, story, image idea music person

elsa - word, story, image idea music person

elsa - word, story, image idea music person

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I am not the person I used to be. Elsas Creativity Blog explores
reaching goals that turn me into a person who used to scare me.
Success. Accomplishment. Fear. Fears undone. Fear revisited.

JUNE 23, 2007

I AM A PERSON WHO USED TO SCARE ME

I'm very aware, these days, that I am not the person I used to be. I used to believe, in my head, in the equality of people. But I did not, in some very deep ways, feel equal to people with much more success, status or wealth than me.

I don't have anything like Hollywood success. I haven't become a millionaire. I haven't saved the world or done anything amazing by worldwide standards.

But I have a Ph.D. I did university teaching while getting my Ph.D, and now have a fulltime position as a college teacher.

I am the first person on either side of my family to have that kind of academic success.

More than that, I own a city and a country place, and have (by association) a place in Provence. Inside me, had I met my current self a couple of decades ago, I would have backed away, sure the person would not see me as an equal

And then, I have a creativity site. From where I stand, I see how much there is to do. From where I stood, I would have been intimidated.

That's too polite a way of saying things. I would have been frozen. I wouldn't have talked to me. I would have looked the other way, sure I wouldn't want to talk to her.

On some level I would have been sure of my value - my intelligence, my creativity, my thinking, my doing, my caring, and so on and so forth - but on another level, I would not have felt equal at all.

It is easy to believe in equality. It is impossible to force peope to believe deeply in our own equality.

****

What would scare the past me most? Not the fame - I am not (yet, anyhow) famous enough to totally freeze the person I used to be.

She would have seen me as rich. She would not have seen the old car, the long hours, the shopping for the best buys. She would have seen RICH.

****

My father was so against separation by class, the class system - and yet I can feel, inside me, the way class (money) intimidated me. I'm sure it was powerful for him too.

A memory. My father once told me of his first visit to the opera. He was given tickets by a childhood friend, now an opera singer. It was at the end of the war, in bombed-out Vienna. He was a very poor, often hungry apprentice. He had no formal wear, not even any presentable clothes. Whatever you have is fine, she reassured him. It was an extremely hot summer day. He wore what he had, shorts and a white undershirt. The other men wore tux and talls.

He felt shame through and through himself, in every bit of himself.

****

When I imagine myself back into my long ago self, the emotion I come to is fear. (Is the imagining accurate? I know I also had courage and many other qualities. So, to answer my own question: I'm sure I can't remember 100% accurately. But I do come to a vivid sense of myself. So, back to my inner image of my earlier self - afraid.)

Shame comes in too. I was afraid of being shamed, of being seen as pushy and intrusive, unwanted - afraid of feeling ashamed of having pushed myself where I wasn't wanted.

And now, much less fear. Not, I think, because I have accomplished things. My sense it that it's through nibbling away at the fear - and somtimes by smashing through a huge chunk of it - that I've been able to do much of what I have done.

****

There have been outside barriers as well, of course, that I've had to deal with - no teaching available when I got my Ph.D., and so on. Those have certainly counted, and very forcefully. With no outside barriers, I wouldnt even have had to become aware of the inner ones.

It's when I've come across outside barriers, that I've been gripped by the power of the inner ones. I'm alone, wish I were with someone. If that person appears, just like that, I don't have to know how scary it is to reach out. It's when no one appears, and there I am, alone and longing, that I've had to recognize it isn't just the world that's holding me back, but me.

****

Back to - I am a person who would have scared me. Yes, I am. And for the long-ago person, I hope to become even scarier - that is, even more successful in reaching for what she and I both long for. Because she is me.

****

There is much more to this - but this is where something so much in my awareness right now.

****

So many plans just now - this creativity site, interactivity for many people to post their works and find creativie matches, Zee's Cafe Cafe.

****

And with that,

As always, welcome into my world.

signed,

Elsa

JUNE 23, 2007

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2007
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2007

Previous - June 23, 2007

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- Elsa's creativity blog -

I am not the person I used to be.
Elsas Creativity Blog explores reaching goals
that turn me into a person who used to scare me.
Success. Accomplishment. Fear.
Fears undone. Fear revisited.

To go from Elsas creativity blog to Caro's Quest, click here.

To go to a taste of White Chocolate and Hot Fudge Sauce, click here.

To go from Elsas creativity blog to the home page, click here.

To go to the overview, click here.

For a complete listing of Elsa's creativity blogs, click here.

Elsa's Creativity Blog
Writer blogs, poetry blogs, musical blogs.
How do I get my works out into the world?
Steps, stages, successes, failures.
Creativity. Not easy to find a home for it.

 

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For those of you wondering, just what is Elsa's creativity blog about?


elsas creativity blog
is not the same as elsas creativity log - a jotting down of events, of time spent

elsas creativity blog
is not a hop and stop
     tip top mop shop pop drop
elsas creativity blog
     is elsas creativity blog
     is elsas creativity blog

but what is elsas creativity blog?

elsas creativity blog
     is stop and start
          on and off
       trying
       doing
       ever renewing
                    elsas creativity blog
                    elsas creativity blog
     is not a dog
                 log
                 fog
                 smog
                 groggy old nodding off creativity blob
     is a wide awake
         revving up
         ever making up stuff
                 elsas creativity blog

elsas creativity blog -
     a short stop to bring you along
                           as I'm making up the site
                           feeling my way
                           like a jungle explorer
                           creepers and crawlers every which way
                           how to get through the day?
                           I couldn't say
that's elsas creativity blog

where does it come from?
where des it go?
elsas creativity blog doesn't know

it records the words elsa writes
it stays the course
it blogs all night
it's delighted to be blogging
         leap frogging
                  over words
                  over muddles
                  over huddles
                           of word lugging trouble
                  over word puddles
                  and into word puddles

elsas creativity blog
         elsas creativity blog
                  elsas creativity blog
                      is a blog by elsa
                            on creative endeavors
                      is elsa's trying
                            once more vying
                                   to reach the world
                                        let words unfurl
                                        let them rumble
                                        let them blog into the sunset
                                              over the hill
                                              down the dale
                                              up the mountain
                                              down the vale
              elsas creativity blog
                       is a faithful old horse
                                 that won't stop
                         it blop blop blogs
                                 a faithful old horse
                                     stopping now and then in its course
                                          to chew its cud
                                              letting ideas bud
                                     and then blogging alone
                                          blogging along
                                              clip clop blip blop

                         elsas creativity blog
                             elsas creativity blog
                                      elsas creativity blog



                                                                                    
 Elsa Schieder
                                                                                      July 9, 2006
                                                                                      © Elsa Schieder, 2006

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