A Dark Night of the Soul
May 1, 2011
It's still the middle of the night - and it feels so good to be working, instead of trying to sleep.
A long ago song, from a long ago rock musical, is going through my head.
See me, feel me
Touch me, heal me ...
The words aren't quite right for me, but my mind often searches for the song closest to what I'm feeling.
For weeks it was Amazing Grace. It felt good, having Amazing Grace playing within me.
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
but now am found ...
I don't know quite when that stopped playing - maybe just about when I left Montreal a few days ago, came away from home for 2 weeks, part business and part pleasure. It felt so right to be going away - and yet Amazing Grace stopped playing, I'm not sleeping well, and tonight, 3 hours ago, such a sense of being lost, feeling lost.
What am I longing for? Grace would be good.
See me, feel me ...
Such a sense of being invisible - unseen, reaching no one - and being unloved - and having no one to love. But most, unseen, invisible, unheard, words falling on deaf ears.
And yet the site keeps going up - more and more page views, more than 60,000 last month, up from under 50,000 just a couple of months ago. That's not utterly unheard and unseen.
But whoever is hearing and seeing me, for the most part, I don't see or hear them, I don't know they're there, I have the sense of no one there. No sense of community.
Of course, on the other hand, I've been sending out way fewer updates - but in one of those circular things,
I have the sense of most of them not reaching anyone, of rarely making into the inbox. I know what to do - more tasks - to get that sorted out. So many tasks pulling at me.
Anyway, this is one way of reaching out ... to whoever is searching, most likely feeling some of the same feelings.
For a poem on what's at the core
of this dark night of the soul,
Click here for a loneliness blog about
another of those dark nights.
I feel lost. It's a dark night of the soul.
Can't sleep, just can not sleep.
Feeling invisible and lost -
So different from a few days ago.
Elsa's Blog Journals.