Loss Of Desire. All Burned Out. Lack Of Desire. Lack of Interest. Is This the Death of Desire? Is it from Lack of Help, Lack of Love?
 
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Loss Of Desire. All Burned Out. Lack Of Desire.
Lack of Interest. Is This the Death of Desire?
Is it from Lack of Help, Lack of Love? Or Is It Something Else?
Whatver the Reason, There's a L
oss of Desire.

MAY 15, 2009

LOSS OF DESIRE -
IS IT ASLEEP? OR HAS IT DIED?

Things keep changing inside me. They burn intensely, grip me - and sometimes they disappear. A quick or a slow loss of desire.

Tonight I am thinking of something I longed for, hungered for, ached for almost my whole life long - love, true love, a soul mate, a deeply loving connection.

That hunger has gone. Forever? I don't know. It's not that it's been satisfied. Maybe it's that I've tried too long or too hard, or put too much attention to other things, or maybe struggled too much when I should have left.

I can remember back to decades of longing. It's one of the two things I most deeply longed for as a teenager - the other was to reach into the world with my creativity.

Neither hunger was satisfied.

The creative drive went to sleep at some point in my late twenties. I got my M.A. and then my Ph.D., fueled by passion, passionate learning about women and fear and inner injury. I got into university and college teaching, again driven by passion - taught lots of Women's Studies,and later, Valung Diversity, Knowing the Inner Self.

At some point, the passion to study and teach in those areas either went to sleep or burnt out. I have the sense that those hungers was satisfied. I still have the hunger to get some of my ideas out into more of the world - and in fact it's that intense desire which is a huge part of my loss of desire to spend my time teaching. College teaching doesn't give enough, doesn't satisfy enough - leaves me achingly hungry.

***

Desire hasn't just gone. Unexpectedly, just as I finished my Ph.D., the creative fires came to life, blazing bright.

****

All that time, the hunger for true love, deep love never left. So hard to reach out, so hard to find, so hard to feel, and then hard to lose even when the feeling was ebbing.

Now something has changed.

****

What I am living now isn't hard. It's a lack of longing for love and connection.

Will it come back? And why has it gone?

****

My drive to get my creative works out into the world is more intense than ever - and I am also closer than ever to reaching enough to satisfy me.

But that other drive?

****

I remember another drive that seems to be gone - the drive to have a child. It wasn't there until it was almost too late for me to become a mother. And then it burned and burned and burned.

And then left.

I haven't been able to find it any more, not anywhere in me.

****

Other drives that have left. The drive to spend days and and days reading hundreds of books. I remember the stacks of books I devoured, savored, lived with much more intensely than I lived my everyday life. I remember the hundreds of movies I watched, sure nothing was as important as watching movies and plays, looking at art, reading novels - and as creating all and any of those things.

I still desire to make, and even more, get out into the world what I've already made.

But there is no ache for the time to read.

****

Is it that I've starved those desires? Starved them to death? Because I've been so overwhelmingly busy that there just hasn't been time - not even to feel longing, I suppose.

I know that things that are unfed - like plants that don't get watered - just plain shrivel and die.

But I don't know if the desires were burning out anyway, or if it's my not giving them attention that has made them fade away.

****

The reality: they've gone - for now anyway.

And that brings me back to ... no longing for romantic suppers, for electric sex, for passionate talking. I can feel reluctance to have boring social dinners, boring times with people. But I don't come to longing.

And yet love was at the top - or just about - of my list of desires for what felt like forever.

****

Lots of questions. Is it lack of love, lack of loving closeness, that's brought me to this? Is it from trying for too long?

Is it age, I ask myself? Because I remember my younger self - but do not have a feel for her. How could it be, I wonder, that I longed for love? What is that like?

As always, welcome into my world.

signed,

Elsa
MAY 15, 2009
copyright © Elsa Schieder 2009, 2011

Previous - December 17, 2008 - on a turn to despair

Next - July 29, 2009 - on seeing patterns

****

To go from this journal on loss of desire
to death of desire poems, click here
.

To go to another end of desire poem,
Is This the Death of Desire? cick here
.

To go from the loss of desire,
to try try try again, click here
.

To go from the lack of desire,
to driven from within, click here
.

To go to a complete listing of Elsa's creativity blogs,
desire - despair - driven from with - trying agan -
click here
.

 

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Loss Of Desire. All Burned Out. Lack Of Desire.
Lack of Interest. Is This the Death of Desire?
Is it from Lack of Help, Lack of Love?
Or Is It Something Else?


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Loss of desire, Lack of desire
Loss of desire, Death of desire
Loss of desire ... Loss

loss of desire - so many love songs, love poems
lack of desire - so many falling in love images all around

death of desire - heartbreak lyrics about, of love that goes on

but loss of desire - when the fire has died
lack of desire - all burned out, burnt out fire?

burned out, fried, died

it's there

it's everywhere

maybe it's Romeo and Juliet if they'd gone on


                                                                                    
 Elsa Schieder
                                                                                      May 17, 2009
                                                                                      © Elsa Schieder, 2009

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