Need Help

by Denise
(elmont ny usa)

I have been in a 5 year relationship that has had so many turns and we have made it through it all, but by me keeping it going and being who I am.

We live together. He has 2 kids from 2 marriages and I have 2 from 1 marriage. I have given him everything in this relationship at his pace and wanting and I have not gotten anything I need in return. I love him and his children to death and all I want is for him to give back emotionally caringly, show that he loves me and is in this with me.

We are married without the paper. I am a mother to his kids and they always look for at all times even befor him. He is so disconnected and I know he can be different but he never tries.

We are also in bad financial situation due to a tenant that cost us 10,000 in the end to get her out. She was doing wierd magic and I feel like she has put something on us. Many very strange things have happened including sickness and near death experiences. I'm scared and we are working 2 jobs each to catch up and try to save our home that is in forclosure.

But he is not working with me at all. I want to make him come back to our family and work together and see what he has in his life and see how much I love him and all I want is to have a normal life with our kids and work together. His kids want to be with me more than him. I love them like they are my own.

What do I do? HELP ME PLEASE.

Denise

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Hi Denise,

First, you sound like a very caring person who has tried her best, over and over, and does not know what else she could do. Also, it sounds as if you love his children and are loved by them, and do not want to lose them - something that happens all too easily when a step-parent breaks up with the biological parent.

I will start by saying the one positive thing I heard you say about him. You do say, he is not working with me at all. But I hear one way he seems to be with you: you write that you are working 2 jobs each to try to get back on track financially. So it seems that he is ready to pull his weight financially.

What can you do, to get working with you generally?

You write: I know he can be different but he never tries.

The question: is there any way you can make it more likely he will try?

I would have only two suggestions. Suggesiton One comes from a program which aims to teach effective strategies to people to get family members to change. The program was developed to help family members of alcoholics and drug addicts to get the addicted person into treatment.

The same strategies may help anyone trying to get someone else to change.

The book -
How to Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening,
by Robert Meyers.

Here is the page on Amazon where you can find the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Loved-One-Sober/dp/1592850812

What is the strategy? In a nutshell, it's positive reinforcement - asking for what we want in a positive way, rewarding when we do get at least a bit of what we want, and also getting ourselves what we need.

I write about Meyer's book a bit, where I explore trying to rekindle relationships:

http://www.elsas-word-story-image-idea-music-emporium.com/rekindle_relationship.html

One objection I can hear: I am too swamped to have time for a book. My answer: this relationship cas cost you way more time that it takes to read a book.

Now for Suggestion Two: try to find some support, someone else who is trying something similar to you - so you can see what is working with each of you, and so you can encourage and support each other. If there is any group in your area, or a friend in a similar relationship and similarly trying to improve things - that would be great. it is hard to do things alone. It's too easy to wear out.

Then ...

Will you get him to change? I don't know. Sometimes we do need to learn to find what we need where it is willingly given to us - but I am sure you have heard this from others, and would rather still work on changing what you get from him.

So, good luck, and good trying.

Elsa