what to do about anger, anger wall, working with anger
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Keeping the
Love Light Burning

love fire is harder
to keep lit than
red-hot burning rage
Feb/Sept 06   START   ALL

When Anger
Comes at Us

the need to face it -
and difficulties reaching
whoever is angry
Feb/Sept 06   START   ALL

Caring
a few ingredients -
Oct/Nov 06
I CARE ...
EMOTIONS
THE NEED TO BE SEEN

THE ROLE OF PRIORITIES
MORE

Oct/Nov 06

What Do We
Really Want, Need?

lots of new technology,
lots of dissatisfaction
July 07   START   ALL

Shamed Half to Death
a wall of shame,
inner vast land of shame
and letting go of shame
Jan 08   START   ALL

Love Problems
sinking relationships,
no one-step solutions
Oct 07  ALL

Just Imagine That!
the power and perils
of having an
active imagination
Dec 08   ALL

 

Quotable
Quotes


Until you make the
unconscious conscious,
it will direct your life
and you will call it fate.

Carl Jung

Know yourself - or you
can't be true to anyone.

Socrates

If you bring forth
what is within you,
what is within you
will save you.
If you do not bring
forth what is within
you, what is within
you will destroy you.

from the gospel of
Thomas (part of the
gnostic gospels)

****

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Dr Zees LoveLine
explorations,
more than solutions,
about moving
toward love

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Possibilities

love line, life line
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Dr. Zee's Loveline
Love Hate Anger Shells Inner Spells

love liking longing aching wanting desiring having holding *
hate anger rage outrage disgust * what to do about anger *
anger and you relationships * hurting others * loss grief sorrow *
anger managed * calming anger * anger wall * working with anger *
love and anger * facing anger * what to do about anger *
love relationship problem * anger and you relationships *
what to do about anger * fear and anger * fear as weapon *
human possibilities and limitations * resolving relationship conflict *

personal * inner * inner self * connections to social issues
dr zee - loveline  

Problem Number Two:
We Started with Keeping the Love Light Burning.
One time when it's hard to do that is ...

When Anger Comes At Us

My first impulse - avoid the anger, ignore it, and maybe give in to it, usually without spelling out that I've done this. It can be easier to shrug, "It just isn't worth it."

Next impulse - get angry back, frustrated, furious, irate, resentful. Often that's not very successful in resolving the issue, reaching the other, or getting out of my own anger.

What might work?  

****

I have had so many thoughts about this, this past week. They went through my head, all neat and organized, but have now been forgotten. I do remember a dream. In it, I am at a meeting. A friend, one with a name very close to mine, is there... And now I realize that the dream too is gone.

I ask myself: what is going on here? why am I forgetting so much?

I will start with the general thing I have been thinking about: trying to get through the rage layer - someone else's rage layer.

Now the dream is coming back. My friend knows that someone, someone angry, someone not with us, is possibly doing something dangerous. I mildly put the meeting on hold, say go and take care of it. We will go on later.

****

The day before, in life, there had been a meeting - myself, my partner, and a couple of other people - one of them with a name similar to mine. I had tried to ignore my partner's quiet anger. I often face his anger. Before the meeting, I had tried to talk to him - not so much about the anger, as about my wanting to move faster on a project than he did, to bring in other people despite his not feeling ready. On my side, I felt held back - as if I was trying to drive with the brakes rigidly on. I was increasingly frustrated. Two months earlier, I had given in to his unwillingness. I was no longer prepared to do that. Everything in me said: time to move. The problem: since I did not want to to keep the project going at his pace, I knew there would be anger.

I didn't talk with him about his anger before the meeting. I remember deciding not to talk about it, actually. As far as I remember, I talked about everything else: our difference, my having let him have his way for two months, there being no way of having it both ways, his not having been concerned about me when he got his way, etc.

Waking up, the dream fresh in my mind, I was glad that, in the dream, I was not enraged. (In the dream, the anger wasn't even aimed at me, and not even at my friend with the name similar to mine.)

But importantly, the anger can not just be sidestepped. And the anger is destructive. My friend doesn't know what is being done - but it is potentially very bad. It needs to be taken care of.

****

I think of the suggestions from How to Get Your Loved One Sober, which I used for helpful suggestions for getting to more of what one wants and so lessening the storehouse of one's own anger:

  • Tell your loved one how much you enjoy being around them sober.
  • Plan an activity that you both enjoy and make it clear it's important that, for this activity, they're sober.
  • Make alternative plans, in case they're not sober.
  • If they're not, go ahead and have a good time doing your alternative activity.

That leaves out the possibility of the loved one's anger when one goes off and does a fun activity on one's own. Also, it leaves out their possible blindness to - their possible deep-rooted denial of - their anger.

****

I wish I could remember the incident I went over in my head during the past few days - an incident where I could not get through to my partner, where he stayed inside a shell of anger. As he saw it, he was right, I was wrong. Plus, he saw himself either as not angry, or as very justifiably angry. In other words, as he saw it, if he was angry, his anger was my fault - I deserved every bit of it.On top of that, he was sure he knew exactly what was going on in me, and what was going on in me was grounds for his anger (though in fact, as I told him without this making any difference, he was way off base in his assumption of what was going on in me).

I'm not sure why the incident is gone from my mind. Quite possibly it's because the story is personal - and on top of that, not just about me, but about someone else.

What readily comes to mind is something that is not personal, but similar - a public display of narcissistic rage (the technical term for rage that keeps out the outside world). The public example: the huge international Muslim outcry against a Danish cartoon many Muslims claim makes fun of their religion. The outcry ignores the many grossly insulting cartoons published in Muslim countries, and even more the many human rights violations committed by Muslims in the name of their religion in many Muslim countries, etc. Those who are enraged present the cartoon as such an enormous injury that all Danish products deserve to be banned and the whole West deserves to be raged against. (See The Rage of the "Righteous" for details).

The rage does not make sense if one is trying to see a reasonable response to something only possibly offensive. It makes perfect sense if the rage is being used, at least in part, to keep out reality, and to try (by fear) to keep the outside world in line.

There I have lots of suggestions - most of all, to recognize the anger as out of line with the impetus, and to speak about it (though one may very well not get through to those totally caught up in it). In general, I hold that the larger and more powerful the mirror is, reflecting the anger back as dangerous, excessive, inappropriate, the better.

But what about on the personal front?

Last time, looking at ways to diminish one's own storehouse of anger, I turned the tools from Robert Meyers' How to Get Your Loved One Sober.

****

Okay, so is there any way of using that approach? In this case, that would mean:

  • Suggest we do one thing, just one, which we both enjoy and with no rage.
  • In case there is rage, make plans for something else.

It all sounds so easy.

But what if I come up against a wall of not-seeing, a layer of rage or anger? What if I can get more good times, but can't figure out a way of making inroads against the shell of anger?

And what if I want to do something where the response is sure to be anger?

Not easy, to deal with that.

For this, I have no suggested readings.

But your stories are welcome.

What have you done that has gotten through to the other,
when the other has used anger not to see something,
and has also used anger to get their way
(while denying they were doing this)?

What has worked to change things?

What to do about anger? A big question.
To be continued.

signed,

Dr Zee
September 30, 2006

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2006
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2006

****

comments, questions, experiences, more ideas

****

Reading referred to above: How to Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert Meyers.

Click here for
Keeping the Love Light Burning -
by Lessening the Stockpile of Anger
.

****

Dr Zees LoveLine -
"In love you could shine like a brilliant star."
Message from a fortune cookie.

What to do about anger. Dr Zees LoveLine explores
when anger comes at us, the anger wall, working with anger,
anger managed. What to do? Flee? Freeze? Fight?
Questions. Suggestions. Input welcome.

When Anger Comes At Us. Flee? Freeze? Flght? Anger!
Anger management is one thing.
But how to cope with someone else's anger?
Dr Zees Loveline explores not avoiding the anger,
not exploding into rage.

Flight, fight, fright, rage? What to do?
What to do about anger?

dr zees love line-600

DR ZEES LOVELINE
SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS
love liking hate anger rage disconnection boredom * relationships relating *
anger and you relationships *anger managed * calming anger * anger wall * working with anger *
fighting anger * facing anger * love and anger * facing anger * love relationship problem *
what to do about anger * anger and you relationships * what to do about anger *
self-expression self knowledge * fear and anger * fear as weapon * anger and you relationships *
human possibilities and limitations * resolving relationship conflict *
anger wall * anger managed *
blocks * walls * stalls * fear * fear as weapon * human possibilities and limitations *
hurting others * loss grief sorrow * elevation * admiration * elation * loving longing lusting *
connections interconnections * terror dread horror anguish * what to do about anger *
perception misperception misconceptions lying deceiving self-deception denial *
what to do about anger * fear and anger * love and anger * what to do about anger *

SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS

DR ZEES LOVELINE


dr zees love line-600

Dr Zees LoveLine
(correctly written Dr. Zee's Love Line)

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe a lifeline, a hopeline.
Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe a lifeboat, a raft, a lifebuoy when the going is a bit rough.
Dr Zees LoveLine - we all can use a helping hand sometime,
and just maybeDr Zees LoveLine can give a helping hand,
like abut what to do about anger, when anger comes at us.
How can we g0 from flight, freeze or flight to managing anger, calming anger,
facing anger without flying into rage, breaking through the angr wall.

But back to Dr Zees LoveLine -
"in love you could shine like a brilliant star" -
well, maybe you could and maybe you couldn't,
but if anger is burning bright, one may need to figure out what to do about anger,
and start working with anger, calming anger, managing anger, defusing anger,
letting go of anger, or it undermines the love, creates the anger wall.

Dr Zees LoveLine - a try to get more warmth, compassion, loving feeling going.
"We've lost that loving feeling," goes one song.
Too bad when that happens.

How to get more loving feeling, good loving feeling not with angry hate stripes running through it,
or so much fear that it hardly gets out, fear of seeming foolish, fear of reaching out -
big questions.

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe love isn't all you need, but love is a good part of it.
And another part is fugring out what to do with anger, the anger wall, the anger ogre.

Dr Zees LoveLine - maybe there's something in it for you.
My big hope - that there's something in it for me.

So much of my life I have longed for more love, most of all for more loving feeling in me,
for things like falling in love, heart melting open wide, heart breaking open wide -
not easy for many of us -
not easy for my mother, abandoned by her mother,
not easy for her mother, who lost her own mother to death at seven months,
not easy for me, though I have felt it,
and have felt loss,
and have always felt -
the love was worth it.

Love, such an amazing feeling. Soft, strong, vibrant, scary.
So what to do about anger, so there can be more loving.

Dr Zees LoveLine - part of my own life line.

signed,

Dr Zee
February 4 , 2008



copyright © Elsa Schieder 2008
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2008

 

dr zees love line-600

DR ZEES LOVELINE

love liking longing aching wanting desiring having holding caring *
hate anger rage outrage disgust * disconnection boredom *
relationships relhate anger rage outrage disgust * what to do about anger *
anger and you relationships * hurting others * loss grief sorrow *
anger managed * calming anger * anger wall * working with anger *
what to do about anger * fighting anger * facing anger * love and anger * facing anger *
love relationship problem * anger and you relationships * what to do about anger *
self-expression self knowledge * fear and anger * fear as weapon *
human possibilities and limitations * resolving relationship conflict *

terror dread horror anguish * connections interconnections *
connections to social issues
like prejudice, fundamentalism, terrorism, genocide, peace *

DR ZEES LOVELINE

dr zees love line-600




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