LOVE & FAMILY PROBLEMS. Inter caste love. Conservative family. What to do?

by KRYP
(MUMBAI)

Dear Dr Zee,

I’m 24, male, and in a relationship with a girl, 21, for the last 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I truly love her and she does the same. She is seeing her future with me. Her parents know about us but my parents are not aware of us.

As my family is very conservative, I’m not able to talk about this to my parents because I’m very scared. They are against inter caste marriage. They won’t accept it anytime and they have also seen a girl for me in our caste. They want me to settle down with her in a year.

I have met this girl too. She is good and she also likes me seriously but I don’t have those feelings for her. As I only feel for the girl whom I’m carrying with, I’m scared with the situation I am in right now.

I have kept my affair always hidden from my parents, my friends and everyone. On her side everyone knows about the affair and everyone is seeing our future together. Now I’m in such a serious problem that I’m not able to take any decision. If I choose my love I will lose everything: my parents, my business, my friends and everyone.

The last few days, I’m ignoring my true love just because of my parents’ decision. I’m feeling very guilty doing this. I have kept many things hidden from her. She is asking me about this, why are you behaving like this?

I am just giving her excuses about the small fight we had and that she didn’t receive my call. She is very upset now and keeps on crying, I know I’m being a very selfish man. She doesn’t know about the girl my parents have seen for me. I have never told her about this.

She is like, if you wanted to break up, why did you spoil my life?

I agree with her and I’m feeling very bad.

But I don’t know what to do? I love her too.

I’m the only son of my parents so they have lots of expectations from me. If I take my decision then they are going to all alone.

Doctor please me help soon.
AWAITING FOR YOUR REPLY.
PLEASE REPLY.
THANK YOU.
REGARDS.

****

Hello,

It would be easy to give a simple answer, one way or the other: go with love; go with family. But I realize the situation is complicated. Of course the best solution in the long term is for people to realize that their children need to be able to make up their own minds when it comes to love. It is not right for parents to try to exercise control over the lives and loves of their children. We each have the right to our own lives.

It is also easy to say, the caste system needs to go, it is wrong. Yes, it needs to go and it is wrong, crippling so many lives.

BUT YOU ARE WITHIN THE SITUATION. WHAT TO DO NOW?

One very powerful point IN YOUR FAVOR WITH YOUR PARENTS is that you are the ONLY SON. They would not want – or so I imagine – to stay cut off from you. However, they might always be unpleasant to your wife, if they do not approve of her.

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I know someone who married outside his caste. His family sent a needle and thread to the wedding. They did not show up. In this case, the marriage happened in Canada, so the man’s economic situation was not hurt – though feelings were definitely hurt. But the man was not willing to give in to people so hurtful and angry when he would not let them control his life. Also his friends – including Indian friends – fully supported his choice.

I also know, in the West, in France, of a marriage that took place about 50 years ago. In this case, the marriage went against the class system. The man wanted to become a doctor. His family was all in favor. But when he fell in love with someone from a lower economic class, his father told him that, if he chose to marry this woman, the father would cut off all economic support. The son chose not to wait, but to marry. His father carried through his threat. The son became a pharmacist. But he and his wife had, until his recent death, a very close and loving marriage.

I could go on – so many millions of people struggling within an unjust system, trying to find a route.

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WHAT TO DO? In your case, you have long avoided a confrontation with your family – so they do not even know what is happening. Of course they also would not want to know.

It is clear YOU WOULD LIKE TO AVOID A CONFRONTATION WITH YOUR FAMILY. You seem to dread even the idea of such a confrontation. If your parents are as rigid as you present them, it is easy to understand why you have avoided talking with them.

One thing I don’t understand: why you believe you would lose all your friends, if you told them of the situation. I would have thought that many people of your generation would be sympathetic.

A CONFRONTATION IS INEVITABLE – and is happening with your girlfriend.

MY SUGGESTION: SLEEP ON IT. GO TO SLEEP, ASKING FOR AN ANSWER FROM INSIDE YOU, AN ANSWER THAT YOU CAN LIVE WITH, IN PEACE.

OFTEN AN ANSWER COMES.

Whatever happens, all the best, to you and the woman you love and also the other woman.



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