#1 ... recently I came to grief - and tangled in with the grief, love. Like seaweed, far below the surface, invisible from the surface, tangled all together.
#2 - April 8, 2010
I'm left with so many questions.
In the first place - no questions here - I know why I didn't get help early. I'm a no-problem person. I didn't get hooked on creeps and substances.
Later, when I couldn't really make things work in my life, when I could hold jobs and relationships but felt so much was missing, I dealt with a lot - anger, fear, parents, self-expression - so much, it felt like. But not not-loving, the feeling of never loving, hardly having any feelings of liking and loving.
There was one area where I liked easily - in my teaching. Instead of feeling nothing or boredom, I naturally felt liking - and loved this feeling. But it didn't go far in the rest of my life. Liking did come to the fore again when my partner and I started doing short term rentals - we met people briefly, often got to know them briefly. These people I liked.
Why? In both cases, no fear of being devoured and smothered, no fear of rejection. Instead interest, connection, real talk.
But surely I could have found more of that in life.
And what about love? So much lack of love.
One question: when did it happen?
I don't know when things got buried in me. My sense is I was under a year old ...