From a Jack to a King? How?
I need love, I want love. So what?
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From a Jack to a King

May 17, 2011

The past couple of days, the first lines from From a Jack to a King have been going through my mind.

from a jack to a king
from loneliness to a wedding ring

It's a song I know well, probably from childhood. It's from Ned Miller - a songwriter I've never heard of - but when I googled the first words, his version came up, along with versions from famous artists.

from a jack to a king
from loneliness to a wedding ring
I played an ace
and I won my queen
now I'm king of your heart

It feels good to have that song playing in me - a hopeful song that also recognizes the loneliness of not having love, a song that puts into words something I'm deeply longing for.

There's a part of me that's always optimistic, that keeps believing things will turn out all right - but I also know that lots of time has gone by and the longing has stayed.

I need ...

Now I'm remembering words from a piece I wrote years ago -

I need ...

That's the refrain.

It starts mildly enough ...

Gold on the trees
       outside ...

The gold on the trees isn't enough. The beauty is recognized, appreciated. But I need more.

I need
I need
I need ...

What exactly do I need? In many ways, it hasn't changed since I wrote I Need - I need love, I want love - and I also need a partner in the creative ventures that are so central to me.

I know - from all I've learned from psychology, and from looking around me - that there's stuff inside me which is set up for needing and not getting. Many other people also need love and want love, and don't get them. But lots of people have what they need.

Now another piece, more recent, comes to mind:

do you have what I need?
where I hunger can you feed?
do you soar where I flail?
do you have what I need?

do you have what I lack?
do you soar where I flail?
are you quick where I'm slow?
do you know what I don’t know?

do you do you do you
          have what I lack
do you do you do
           have what I need
are you the match for me

I've been alone for 2 years now.

But there was much aloneness before as well.

And in the creative field, I feel I've had so much aloneness all my life. Somehow it isn't easy for me to find a partner for my ventures, someone who want to adventure with me.

Longing - in German, Sehnsucht, a word I love the sound of, t brings up such a sense of aching longing. Anyway, longing - that's something my father knew intimately, wrote about, and the longing got passed on to me.

So, over and over the question: how to do from Jack to King?

One thing - it's kind of all or nothing. One right person is all that's missing.


Elsa

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