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INNER STORY -
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LIFE EATEN BY ANGER -
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Loneliness Blog. September 22, mid afternoon …
Lonely blog, blogs about loneliness, from a lonely blogger
dealing with loneliness, feeling lonely.

Sept 22, 2009

LONELINESS

It's September 22, mid afternoon, just hours before the moment of equinox - and I am devastatingly lonely. It's been a long time since I felt this lonely - a feeling I carried around with me much of my childhood, and many of the years since. Lonely with people. Lonely in a crowd. Lonely with friends.

I remember noticing, not long ago, that the loneliness seemed to have disappeared - gone as if for good. Life has been feeling very full - and even when alone, which I am often, I haven't been feeling lonely.

I am now.

My partner's gone - has been gone for weeks, will be gone for months more. The phone and internet aren't working where he is.

I'm not teaching this year - chose to take the year off to work on this site. There's so much to do - and I want a hand so badly. I want to be doing this with somebody. I want to talk with somebody about how things are going, someone whose words will spark me to go on.

It's harder today than other days. Maybe because I expected a talk with Philippe - expected some sense of connection, no matter how brief.

****

Of course lots of the potential connections are out there - in etherspace. I just need to reach.

****

The words are blurring inside me. They were so clear earlier, as I was walking. Such an amazingly beautiful day - yet one more in a string of amazingly vivid autumn days, the colors just beginning.

****

Lonely.

I remember a movie - maybe Shadowlands, about CS Lewis, the man who wrote The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Someone asks: Why do you read? The answer that's given: To know I am not alone.

I know, in childhood, I felt least alone when reading. I felt truly connected to the characters I was reading about - to them, their struggles, their friendships, their loves. It's been a long time since I felt that intense connection.

****

I know I'm going to take time for the equinox. I bought matches earlier. I have candles. I will light candles, maybe 3 candles, and make a wish or two.

It's been a long time since I've made the time, taken the time for an equinox or solstice. Probably if Philippe were here we would be doing, doing, doing so much that the time would not be there. That's what happened around the summer solstice. No moment was ever taken.

And yet there was none of the loneliness that's gripping me today.

Maybe because the hope of connection was there, the wish, the dream.

And today I am truly alone.

****

Loneliness lurks around in so much I've written:

where is my match?

who will help me with my spark?

please help me make my dreams come true

do you have what I need?

It's more than loneliness - it's a sense of needing someone to complete, to reach.

****

Anyway, today - loneliness. Which I can feel ebbing now. I don't know if writing this brings the hope, the dream of connection - or if the feeling was about to fade.

I think of the movie and the quote: "I read to know I am not alone." Part of the reason why I write is to know I am not alone - or anyway, to keep alive the hope that I am not alone. Hardest at times is when it feels no one hears what I'm saying.

But that's not the thing today. It's just plain rock hard loneliness.

****

****

Hours have passed. It's almost 8 - and the time we pass the moment of balance is about 8:15. I've never cared about the exact time, but today I'm kind of listening for it.

Far from missing the time, not paying attention, being too caught up in hundreds of other things, I've had supper. I have 4 candles out: white and the 3 primary colors - yellow, red and blue. No particular reason. I just like that.

Still very alone. But feeling better in the darkness of the evening, the quiet lamplight.

These past few days, I've thought a lot about how hard it is for me to feel a true deep sense of connection to others. There's almost always something in the way - my being "on" (my not being fully myself), often combined with the other pushing me away form myself (laugh at this, don't show boredom, etc).

And then, so much loneliness.

But - in that amazing way the emotions shift - not now.

I think I will light the candles now.

Elsa
usually stirring inner fires
sometimes releasing inner riches
today feeling deep loneliness

To go from this loneliness blog to
loneliness poems like
where is my match?
click here.

To go from this loneliness blog to
loneliness poems like
please help me make my dreams come true,
click here.

Delta, October 2, 2009:

I recognize the loneliness you describe - a few of us felt it over here in Kenya as well - a sort of wistfulness that is almost a pain inside. I find it best to embrace it - to ride it through like any other emotion: in my view, the ability to plumb the full depths of all emotions is what keeps us in balance and ultimately what keeps us calm inside - it turns into a kind of confidence in the cycles of life. The moments are sometimes difficult to get through as you were feeling - but you have to go through the darkness to get to the light. Interesting in relation to the equinox.

Cheers, we are all connected. and we have been all connected long before the internet was around. Hugs from Africa.

Ursula Tokateloff, October 2, 2009:

Hi Elsa, How well I can relate to what you are saying.... those intense feelings of loneliness that I don't feel when I am with people I connect with.... other people just distract me and I don't feel the loneliness just feel separate or bored.

As a wise woman once told me, it is in the moments when I disconnect from myself that i feel intensely lonely and in desperate need for connection with the other. The kingdom of God is truly inside...it is just so hard to always believe in and reach for it. What solace when we experience aloneness as solitude and not as loneliness.... I pray for these moments of grace to happen... and they do... until they disappear again and the old restlessness returns. What a journey. Ursula

Elsa's reply, October 2, 2009:

Hi Ursula, Yes, what a journey. Re solitude - I often love it, can spent days and days alone - so for me, I don't experience loneliness as a disconnection with myself, but with another lack - a disconnection with others I can feel close to - like you too speak of not feeling lonely when with others you feel you can connect with.

Jeff, October 2, 2009:

Elsa, Funny that I should get this update tonight, when the main focus of the evening so far has been my realization of how lonely I am. I recently moved out of my hometown for the first time, suddenly away from my family and old friends, and away from the girl I was with for four years. After a socially difficult day, I've been spending my Friday evening sitting at home alone watching TV, knowing the specifics of what my new acquaintances are up to without me (dates with visiting close friends or significant others). Well, I don't know why I find myself writing back to one of your email updates, but it was just the right timing to strike a chord with me and remind me of how universal loneliness really is. I guess this universality is the most ironic aspect of the human tendency to feel lonely.

Your entry also reminded me to take in the beautiful changes in nature which take place around the time of the equinox with leaves turning bright colors and such - I am living up north (in the US) for the first time.

Wishing you all the best, Jeff

Cyn, October 2, 2009.

I hope you are in a better place today. I was reading your blog... the most recent "joy" post pulls up the preceding one on loneliness. Have a great weekend, enjoying the colors changing and the coolness in the air.

KK, October 3, 2009

Elsa, I look forward to each email and visit to your site of inspiration. I am sure it would seem that writing a site blog and having a site may be kind of unidirectional communications, but please be assured there are those of us out here in cyberspace that feel connected and beholding to you and your efforts. I trust that our warm wishes and the positive energy we feel and reflect back reaches you in some way. I know I can be rather consumed by daily things that get in the way of taking the time to give direct feedback. I just felt I had to take this moment to send you my best wishes and support.

On feeling lonely... There were times when I was away a lot for business and got such deep feelings.

Elsa's reply, October 3, 2009

Hello KK, Thanks for writing and for letting me know my writing is not unidirectional. I think that, because I've always loved reading and have felt very connected to people and feelings through reading, I kind of imagine that at least some of those who receive what I send also love reading and also feel connected.

But it's great to have that inner sense validated.

Leonardo, October 3, 2009.

Relationships are important, but there's one relationship that's more important than any other. That's your relationship with God. Without this vital relationship, none of our other relationships can ever be truly correct.

Randy, October 3, 2009

Lonely? I'm no longer sure I understand the word. It somewhat reminds me of the word "lazy" when applied to a person. This is a word/usage that merely obfuscates rather than communicates. Long ago I believed it when someone called me "lazy." In fact, I was conflicted, afraid, confused and a bunch of other things. Hah! You could even say that the use of the word lazy is a lazy way to describe someone.

On the other hand, creativity and loneliness have some primal association that I don't fully understand. Each can engender the other, yet there is something else here too, which I need to think more about.

C, October 3, 2009

Volunteer and get your hands dirty by working a soup kitchen, or visiting the elderly who are truly alone, or taking the time to help a young person learn how to read or do math, or rescue a dog from being terminated.

The rich are always lonely, because they are consumed with themselves.

On Sunday, October 4 is the feast of St. Francis of assisi, patron of San Francisco. He wrote: "Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, it is in dying to self that we are reborn."

So, get off your ass and help somebody who really needs help. Exhaustion will replace loneliness. You'll sleep well and wake up at peace.

Delta's reply, October 3, 2009

Elsa, I love the soup kitchen suggestion! Some people view loneliness as feeling sorry for yourself so they think that if you see other people worse off than yourself you will feel better. For the record, seeing people worse off than yourself does NOT make you feel better, although it is true that proactively doing our small part to help - in whatever way that may be, like holding webinars and putting up websites, working at shelters, slogging away at paperwork in the heart of darkness, etc. - does give one a feeling of connectedness that feels pretty good.

You might be interested to know that exactly 20 years ago I celebrated the equinox on the Altiplano of Bolivia (1989) - we drove there in the middle of the night so as to watch the sun come up - there were priests and witchdoctors and the president of the country (Jaime something - he had been treated in the Montreal burn center years before) and other dignitaries. When the sun poked over the horizon, the thing to do was to hold our palms up to it to feel the energy and to absorb it. It was SO BLOODY COLD that even that bit of sun on our hands warmed us to the core and felt like some kind of spiritual energy. I suspect the truth is somewhere between those two realities.

Delta's 2nd reply, October 3, 2009

Hi Elsa - Not my business, but if that person sends you another response along the same lines, perhaps you should just discreetly drop him/her from the mailing list. It is one thing if a reader does feel the connection every time, it is quite another to send an ungracious answer - had he/she been joking or cajoling you it would have been OK, even funny - but I can feel that is not how it was. You generously share your thoughts, and offer the option to opt out of the mailing list so this (albeit minor) incident is out of line. You deserve better. Cheers!

DASB, October 3, 2009

HI Elsa. I don't always read what you send, I don't have the time. But this morning I noticed what your topic was. Be thankful that the LORD can be ever present in your life. That He truly is a faithful God and will see you through the loneliness and forsaken times. Even Jesus felt forsaken on the cross by His Heavenly Father. He said He will never leave us nor forsake us. Draw near to Him nd He will draw near to you. He is waiting to have more of a relationship with you.

Spoken from experiencing the LORD in such a new way these last two years. My husband went Home to be with the LORD last year. It was 7 months that we had him fulltime as he went through cancer treatments and then was called Home. Be encouraged. Plan when your husband does get back to have a candle light dinner. Not just when he gets back but maybe once a week to celebrate your love for him. Abiding in His Love.

GH, October 3, 2009

Oh, Elsa. It's sad but comforting to know that someone else is lonely as well. But you do at least have the hope of seeing Philippe. My husband Jim died April of 2008 and I have a new perspective on the feeling of loneliness. We rented your lovely La Petite Peyriere in October of 2007, the last of two trips we took to France together. Those memories keep me going. I wonder if I am now destined to be alone with the rest of my walk through this world. Your words were somehow comforting.

I have many friends, but the absence of that soul mate is devastating at times. I hope that you are feeling better. You seem like a very lovely introspective person. Take care.

Elsa's reply, October 3, 2009

I am so sorry to hear of your loss - one of the hardest losses, one I have not experienced, but can only imagine from lesser losses - still very powerful - of loved ones.

I am sure the absence of a soulmate is sometimes devastating.

I hope life somehow brings you another intense loving closeness.

I do not know if you feel your husband's presence - I know that, for a couple of years after my father's death, it felt as if he was almost always very close, especially if I sat out on a bench on our property. He always felt beside me. I am not saying he was there - or that this feeling diminishes the grief.

Most, all my sympathy for your loss.

Noel, October 3, 2009

There is something beyond the body and the mind which conquers loneliness.

Katherine, October 3, 2009

I wonder if that huge loneliness still remains in your life. Did you feel better in any way when you had committed your thoughts to email?

At least you did take some positive action by doing so. My friend's antidote was not music, too painful, but radio.

Absence can be worse than bereavement. There, at least, you have closure.

Reading is great but keep writing.

Elsa's reply, October 3, 2009

There is still loneliness - but not like on that day. It ebbed - whether because I wrote about it or for whatever other reason I don't know. Often, no answers. Thanks for your thoughtful answer.

Daryl, October 3, 2009

Elsa There is a reason the ultimate punishment in prison (other than torture) is solitary confinement. Humans need to be around other humans-we evolved hunting together, eating together, dancing together, singing together, grieving together, raising young ones together (having and raising helpless babies is hard work and takes help). When you aren't around others (esp those you know) it's tough.

I remember when I started a landscaping business and it was just me - how depressed I and lonely starting each morning, and how much better I felt after talking to a customer. There is an Isaac Asimov book called the "naked sun" It's about humans (on another planet) that are so disconnected from each other that it is taboo to come in contact with others. All communication is by holographs. The people who have to raise kids in a kind a communal day care are the untouchables. Anyway, there are those who find they still need the contact. The book is about one of them and the murder with which she is associated. Anyway, one point in the book is people need contact with others even beyond the virtual contact through technology. And Asimov is a happy writer-a nice relaxing read. (Hey, who says you have to read heavy literature all the time?).

Hang in there. Exercise and get out of the house-go shopping more often, volunteer at public schools (they need help big time), whatever it takes to get out. Get a routine and keep it , and include meeting people in your goals and routine. Make working the website/writing a designated time each day.

Oh yeah, one thing I found out running my business and meeting myriad people - even those who seem like they have nothing in common with you - can teach you stuff. And talking to them can be interesting.

E, October 3, 2009

No one is worth always waiting for... life is too short.

SR, October 3, 2009

I read your blog in which a beautiful write-up on loneliness. it is a moving poem, essay, a lively picturisation of thoughts and feelings, a personal depiction of a story, I feel there is a sort of oneness and unbelievable moving personal touch.

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Elsa
stirring inner fires
releasing inner riches

Loneliness Blog. September 22, mid afternoon …
Lonely blog, blogs about loneliness, from a lonely blogger
dealing with loneliness, feeling lonely.

Loneliness blogs from lonely bloggers. Feelings blog about
dealing with loneliness, coping with loneliness. Loneliness blog -
not a lonely blog, it isn't that blog that's lonely - it's the lonely blogger.

I'm feeling lonely, I feel lonely, I'm feeling loneliness.
I know things will change, but this is very real now.

Elsa's Blog . Elsas Blog . Elsa's Blogs . Elsas Blogs . Elsa's Blogging . Elsas Blogging

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