Toxic Sludge - The River of Shame

Years ago, I sat under a beach umbrella and read a book with Shame in the title.
I remember the sun, I remember the beach. But what I remember most about that holiday
is that book. The title wasn't snappy - but for me the topic was riveting:
Facing Shame (by Fossum and Mason).

I'd read so much about anger, and the stages of grief, and also about love and caring
and empathy. But until that book, I had read nothing on shame.

I don't know where to start. Maybe about what most recently triggered my thinking about shame. Someone was talking about a taboo sexuality, and how hard it was to find their way there.
Shame. Shame and fear. In this case, sexual shame.

Shame can be everywhere. Wanting things - like clothing - one isn't supposed to want.
Being caught a total mess when one wants to impress.
Being caught picking one's nose. Being caught hitting our child or kicking our dog.

Different things, of course, shame different people.
Some people delight in publicly picking their nose.

Being caught. For me, that feels like it's at the heart of it. Having something
one wants to keep hidden - snap bang, just like that - out in the open.

That triggers the shame attack. We may be okay with whatever it is alone -
or we may burn with shame even alone. But then, something quite different -
we are caught, seen.

Of course one has that shame attack only because, long ago, when we did show
something, we were ridiculed, humiliated, belittled. And then, shame.

****

One experience stands out in my mind - and it's not about being caught. It's an experience
that turned something I was glowingly proud of, into something I was ashamed of.

When I was in Grade Three, I noticed that lots of the other girls had watches. I didn't care about being able to tell time - there were clocks everywhere. But I loved the way they looked. And then I noticed that, for only a few cents, the corner store had girls' imitation watches. I bought one, overjoyed at so easily getting what I wanted - a bright band, a bright watch face.

I wore my new treasure to school. I don't remember how it happened, if I showed the fake watch to someone or if someone spotted it. But I was laughed at, my watch was made fun of. I don't remember any of the specifics, if one one girl laughed at me, or if several girls made fun of the watch. I remember the emotion vividly, though. I burned with shame.

Inside me I still loved the watch. But I never wore it to school again. It soon disappeared, and I regretted its disappearance.

****

For a great intro to the topic of shame, I strongly recommend Fossum and Mason's
Facing Shame. Subtitle: Families in Recovery.

I've read more on shame since then, but nothing has touched me like their book,
maybe because it was the first thing I read on the topic, maybe also because it so clearly,
chapter by chapter, explored the dynamics of shame.

****

What else might I want to talk about, then, than shame pure and simple?

Two things:

The biggest inner ingredient, as far as I've been able to see,
that helps break the stranglehold of shame.
And the biggest external help.

****

Inside: courage.
It takes huge amounts of courage to go against the stranglehold of shame.

Shame is bolts of ice holding someone in place,
nails through the heart,
the gun of ridicule held to the head,
a hot potato in the heart,
a knife wedged deep.

Shame is a heavy dose of emotional pain. Not the pain of grief where one wants to be held.
With shame one knows one will not be held or helped. One will be made fun of, made small.

No easy to go against it.

It takes courage. To go step by step. To look at it, to feel it, to confront it,
to refuse to be bound by it, and slowly to overcome.

It's hard to go it alone.

****

What helps outside?

Maybe most of all, what I've found helpful is loving connection
with people (and writings) who do not shame, instead welcome us.
People who listen, who care, who know what we're talking about,
and who offer not more boiling oil, but connection and caring.
They don't silence us, but give us the space to speak - a welcome not an invasion -
and also to be silent within ourselves. But they do not silence us, shame us even more.

As for writings, Facing Shame jumps to mind again, created by two people who so clearly cared,
not to silence but to look at shame as fully as they could.

***

Having courage and loving connections doesn't doesn't mean the shame
just melts away, but bit by bit, we chip at it, and as more emerges we get better
at dealing with it.

****

I'm not, by the way, saying all feelings of shame are wrong.
If I've said something mean, something to hurt, I may well feel ashamed -
and use that feeling as an impetus to apologize and also to try to change,
not repeat what I've done. The shame feeling does not silence me, or stay.

****

So, anyway, shame. Shamed half to death. Dying of shame. Wishing the ground
would swallow him up. Wanting to crawl into a hole.

And then, courage and more courage. Also understanding, trying, humor -
and all the good qualities we have that help us get through tough stuff.

Plus, outside support, good caring friends who listen, truly listen, who give us a chance
to be, and also are themselves with as little shame as possible.

signed,

Dr Zee
January 22, 2008

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2008, 2011 - all rights reserved
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2008, 2011

****

AN INVITATION:
YOUR COMMENTS
YOUR THOUGHTS
YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH TOXIC SHAME, GUILT SHAME
GOING FROM FEELINGS OF SHAME TO FEELING NO SHAME

To go to the start of
Letting Go of Shame,
click here.

To go an exploration of something very different,
Caring,
click here.

To go from Letting Go of Shame
to everything in Dr Zees LoveLine,
click here.

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DR ZEES LOVELINE
wall of shame * walled in by shame * guilt shame * toxic shame * poisonous shame *
healthy shame * good shame * shame blame * shame guilt * feelings of shame *
sexual shame * public shame * toxic shame *
hang your head in shame * letting go of shame *
it's a shame * letting go of shame *
reducing shame * it is a crying shame *
to put to shame * family shame * stigma and shame * badge of shame *
transcending shame * sex shame * legacy of shame * goddamn shame * freedom from shame *
secrecy and shame * naked without shame * shame and embarrassment * letting go of shame
DR ZEES LOVELINE

DR ZEES LOVELINE
shame versus respect * no shame n that * shaming *
toxic shame * shame and blame * guilt shame *
inheritance of sin and shame * toxic shame *
coming out of shame * the great shame *
more joy less shame * it's a shame * letting go of shame *
guilt verus shame * healthy shame *
hide our shame * reducing shame * it is a crying shame *
human shame * toxic shame * healthy shame * feelings of shame *
cry in shame * a wall of shame * public shame *
humiliation and shame * ridicule and shaming
to put to shame * I feel no shame * family shame *
stigma and shame * badge of shame * mark of shame
transcending shame * sexual shame * legacy of shame *
goddamn shame * freedom from shame *
secrecy and shame * naked without shame *
shame and embarrassment * letting go of shame
DR ZEES LOVELINE

DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE
SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS
love liking hate anger rage disconnection boredom * relationships relating *
narcissism self-involvement blindness * shells * spells * jealousy *
caring empathy passion intensity compassion * self-expression self-knowledge *
blocks * walls * stalls * fear * fear as weapon * human possibilities and limitations *
hurting others * loss grief sorrow * elevation * admiration * elation * loving longing lusting *
connections interconnections * terror dread horror anguish *
perception misperception misconceptions lying deceiving self-deception denial *
recognition joy welcome warmth * craziness * crazy thinking * connections to social issues
like prejudice, fundamentalism, terrorism, genocide, peace *
SHELLS * SPELLS * CARING * CONNECTION * CRAZINESS
DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE

Dr Zees LoveLine

DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE
love liking longing aching wanting desiring having holding caring *
hate anger rage outrage disgust * disconnection boredom *
relationships relating * narcissism self-involvement blindness *
shells * spells * jealousy *
caring empathy passion intensity compassion *
self-expression self-knowledge *
blocks walls stalls shells inner spells *
fear * fear as weapon *
human possibilities and limitations *
* hurting others * loss grief sorrow *
elevation * admiration * elation *
loving longing lusting *
connections interconnections *
terror dread horror anguish *
elevation * admiration * elation *
connections interconnections *
connections to social issues
like prejudice, fundamentalism, terrorism, genocide, peace *
DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE * DR ZEES LOVELINE

***SOCIALIZEIT***

MORE ...

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