Insider Outsider. What did it do, being an outsider? and an inside outsider, watching insiders? What changes this? Outsider Blog, Loneliness Blog.
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SELF? SHADOW? - which
is which? - June 17, 2010
SELF BETRAYAL -
June 6, 2010
SHADOW WORK -
the vampire archetype -
June 6, 2010
HOW TO STOP ANGER - quick
anger cure? - Apr 18, 2010
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED -
Mar 12, 2010
SHIFTING REALITIES -
Nov 19, 09
AVOIDANCE? or SANITY? -
Nov 1, 09
DEATH BY CHATTER -
Oct 25, 09
INSIDER OUTSIDER -
Oct 23, 09
TRAVEL THOUGHTS -
roads never taken before -
Oct 16, 09
LIFE PATTERN:
try try try again
- Oct 10, 09
A PERSONAL PATTERN:
I start with desire - Oct 7, 09
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Insider Outsider. What did it do, being an outsider?
and an inside outsider, watching insiders? And how to get inside?
Outsider Blog, Loneliness Blog, Blog on Life.
October 23, 2009
INSIDER / OUTSIDER ...
A friend and I have been emailing back and forth - on insider/outsider. Let's call her Anka.
Anka lived much of her life as an insider - ever so much working, one connection after another. Bright and gifted, she got her PhD at 24, soon had full-time tenured university teaching. Doors opened for her, one after the other, the doors she reached for. She asked for research grants. She got research grants.
Then she moved. She knew how to reach for doors. They would not open. She tried over and over, sure that if she just tried again, it woud have to work. It did not. They stayed firmly closed against her, year after year. She did everything right, according to all that had worked for her before. It didn't. She had become an outsider.
I've lived much of my life an an outsider - not outside everything, of course. But much I wanted seemed to be on the other side of a thick glass wall - like reaching people with my creative works and ideas, like a job that would let me use many of my gifts. I did finally get such a job - first, part-time university teaching, then full-time college teaching.
But I could not seem to get further.
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My father, my self. My father: a gifted creative man. Very early, he succeeded beyond his dreams - the youngest cabinet maker in Vienna, with a shop of his own, apprentices and workers. But he dreamed of the wild West. It was after World War II. He had read The Last of the Mohicans and any number of Zane Grey westerns. When he could emigrate to the New World, he did - with a wife and 2 young children. He landed in Montreal - no wild West - and for the rest of his life, was in so many ways an outsider. He no longer had the magic keys to the kingdom.
I love Canada, this country where I grew up. But I too became and stayed an outsider. I have not let myself even imagine what it might have been like, to have a father who was an insider, and to live as an insider myself - because in so many ways there was an incompatibility between the world around me and myself.
The world around me: as a child, that meant the children on the street and at my school. Most were Jewish and, just a bit over a decade after the Holocaust, understandably against anything relating to Germany and Austria - like me. As a teenager, the other kids grew up faster than I did: teased hair, flirting, dating. I was still, in many ways, much more a kid - or maybe just European.
What would it have been like, as a child and then a teen, to live in a society where I fit in? I just cannot imagine that.
What would it have been like, for my life, to somehow automatically know how to make things work, to have a sense of belonging?
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Instead it's been one of the biggest things for me to learn: how to make things work for me - and here the internet has been amazing.
Again, I don't mean that I was a total outsider before. Just that I was pretty far outside - and that much that I reached for, I could not get. Others kept getting it - publishing, grants, work.
I certainly wasn't a total outsider. Over and over, I did get some help and support and success.
But I know the difference between being an insider, and being and feeling outside.
The internet - it removes the traditional gatekeepers. Now the gatekeepers are everyone in the world. Do they want what you're offering, once you offer it in ways that they can find it?
Quite a difference.
My sense: in many ways, it changes the playing field utterly.
Elsa
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Insider Outsider. What did it do, being an outsider?
and an inside outsider, watching insiders? What changes this?
Outsider Blog, Loneliness Blog, Blog on Life.
- insider outsider - what does it do to us, being an insider? an outsider?
-insider outsider blog of someone who is trying to learn her inside place
- insider outsider loneliness blog of someone who is tired of loneliness
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