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Making Dreams Come True
Elsa's Blogs - Aug 05-Sept 09
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About Elsa
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So here I am,
looking out, wondering.

How to do this?
A big question - how to do this?
I know it can be done, but
I can do this,
but it takes a lot of doing.
It's easiest in the morning. 
Everything seems possible then.
What do you see when
you see me, I wonder.
I keep trying. I'm not sure
what will happen. But over
and over again, I keep
trying - because something
in me doesn't give up, not
forever anyway.
Elsa's Blogs
Aug 05-July 09
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On my way to my mother-in-law's funeral, I so much feel
the absense of deep grief. I regret, most of all,
the ways she was so long closed to so much. But no deep grief.
Diary Blogs. Blog Journals. Inner Self Blogs.
DECEMBER 7, 2007
ON THE WAY TO MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S FUNERAL
Something is wrong - and it is the absence of grief, real deep grief, the grief that grips so I cannot stop crying. I haven't often felt such grief, but I know what it feels like.
Here I cannot believe she is dead. I wish she were alive still. But the feeling of loss is muted. I feel her small body, her frailness. I feel, for a moment, her fragility - and also her closedness. Much feeling in her, intensity, passion, love, anger.
But something is wrong. Partly it is me. I grew up with a mother frozen from many of her deep feleings - too many hard things lived through in childhood. I am in many ways like her - usually better at taking care of than feeling caring.
Yet when my father died, I felt him around me for years - can faintly feel him now, very faintly. With her, I feel absense.
I have been feeling this absense of grief since she died. I feel regret - regret I did not talk to her more these past months since coming back from Provence in June, when I was with her for over a month, including the more than three weeks she was in the hospital. That's what I feel most strongly. Regret. Guilt. Philippe talked to her regularly. I talked with her every now and then.
It shouldn't have happened that way. But on the phone she was always brief with me. It felt stiff - unlike in person, when she would talk and talk.
Regret - that is what I feel most.
Yet I know that the last few years brought her many good things with her son - more time than in decades.
I want my own life to go much better in a deep way.
As
always, welcome into my world.
signed,
Elsa
creating, connecting, exchanging -
or anyway, trying to
DECEMBER 7, 2007
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Elsas Diary Blogs
explore an unexpected lack of gief.
Blog journals on death, disbelief, lack of deep grief.
Mainly a feeling of regret.
Diary blogs, blog journals, inner self blogs.
For more diary blogs -
on the dull feeling that comes from nothing coming together -
click here.
For still more
diaru blogs -
on an unexpcted liking (of my changing face) -
click here.
For all of Elsa's creativity blogs and
self development blogs,
click here.
Elsa's Creativity
Blog
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For those of you wondering, just what are Elsa's diary blogs about?
elsas diary blogs
are not the same as elsas diary log - a jotting down of events, of
time spent
elsas diary blogs, blog journals, personal blogs
are stop and start
on and off
trying
doing
ever renewing
elsas
diary blogs, personal blogs
elsas
diary blogs, blog journals
elsas diary blogs -
a short stop to bring you along
as
I'm living my days
feeling
my way
like
a jungle explorer
creepers
and crawlers every which way
how
to get through the day?
I
couldn't say
that's elsas diary blogs
where do they come from?
where do they go?
elsas diary blogs don't know
they record
elsas
diary blogs, personal blogs
elsas
diary blogs, blog journals
Elsa Schieder
January 10, 2008
©
Elsa Schieder, 2008
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