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From Self-Silencing for Fear of THEM, to an Unexpected Freedom.
An exploration of self-censorship due to fear of Muslim retaliation,
and speaking out.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2006

not me

FEAR -

FROM SELF-SILENCING FOR FEAR OF 'THEM'

TO AN UNEXPECTED FREEDOM

Something totally unexpected has happened over the past half year. I have left behind a fear - without trying, without working at it, without awareness of the shift's happening. The fear may come back, of course. The fear may have been a sensible one to have. But all I can say is, it isn't here now, and that makes many things different.

The beginning. Fear. And a desire to speak.

The time. February 2006. Muslims worldwide were protesting in massive outrage at a Danish cartoon. They were not protesting, even peacefully, against Muslim violence. Western reporters listened respectfully to the Muslim protesters, even those burning down an embassy.

I was outraged. I had to write about this.

A colleague I showed my piece to liked it, but warned me: don't let anyone know it's you who wrote it, those people are dangerous. I could feel his fear, and my partner's as well (for he too wanted me to be careful about expressing my ideas). No disagreement, but in the heart of Canada, the heart of what is supposed to be a country valuing freedom of speech, I had come up against a widespread fear.

So I created a small site for the pieces, with a drawing of a veiled woman, ThisIsNotMe. In other words, I did express my ideas, made as sure as I could they were not connected to me.

In a couple of my classes, where the ideas were very relevant, I passed out the article, letting students know I had written it - but on the article itself I used another name. We discussed the ideas in the article, but not the fear of speaking out under one's own name.

****

Time passed. Three months later I began to develop this site. From the start, I planned to put my idea pieces, and from the start I included a picture of ThisIsNotMe on the opening page. But it's a big step from planning to doing. The past month I have been working on The Idea Emporium. I kept getting stuck.

I wondered - is it because I am afraid of putting the pieces up? One may have good reason to fear. People who want to hurt are scary, dangerous people.

The Nazis were a scary bunch. They tortured and murdered. So were the KKK. I think of the Inquisition - and the torture and murder of so many innocent people. I think of the present, of Nigeria for example, where a young woman was recently sentenced to death for having a child outside of marriage (she was spared after millions of people wrote on her behalf). There are scary people around in every country - people who do not care if they hurt others, or even want to hurt - people who put a rigid idea above human caring, above the awareness of the humanity of others. I think of an aid worker murdered after thirty years of doing her best to help.

Still, finishing writing the pieces, and over the past week putting them on the web, I was not afraid.

When I thought of passing the article to students a couple of weeks ago, I was a little uneasy. But then, sending them the link to the article, I was exhilarated.

I hunted around inside me for the fear I had felt in February. I could not find it. Over the past half year (for it's half a year by now), somehow the fear melted away.

I didn't expect this. I didn't work at it. I didn't dare myself to put the ideas on the site. (I did have twinges of minor uneasiness).

Just this morning, my partner again asked me, why had I done things this way.

It just felt right to me, to have the parts of me, the various kinds of writing and creativity - together on one site.

****

I wouldn't be afraid if the fear came back. Whoops, that's a slip! Interesting. I meant to write: I wouldn't be surprised if the fear came back - because when I was afraid, the fear felt strong and solid inside me.

Would I be afraid if the fear came back? Of course. To feel fear means one is afraid.

But maybe the typo indicates that a part of me now finds the fear as hard to believe as my past self would find my less afraid self.

****

We will see what happens. I am hoping for the best, for many people to really listen to what I am saying, and to see that it makes sense, or if it doesn't make sense to them, to start a good discussion where we are both trying to make more and more sense.

As always, welcome into my world.

signed,

Elsa

SEPTEMBER 3, 2006

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From Self-Silencing for Fear of THEM,
to an Unexpected Freedom.
Elsas Creativity Blog explores self-censorship
due to fear of Muslim retaliation,
and speaking out.

How do I get my creative works, and those of others,
out into the world? Steps, stages, successes, failures.
All in Elsas creativity blog. Creativity -
not easy to find/make a home for it.

elsas creativity blog
is not the same as elsas creativity log - a jotting down of events, of time spent

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elsas creativity blog
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but what is elsas creativity blog?

elsas creativity blog
     is stop and start
          on and off
       trying
       doing
       ever renewing
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                    elsas creativity blog
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                 log
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                 smog
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elsas creativity blog -
     a short stop to bring you along
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                           like a jungle explorer
                           creepers and crawlers every which way
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that's elsas creativity blog

where does it come from?
where des it go?
elsas creativity blog doesn't know

it records the words elsa writes
it stays the course
it blogs all night
it's delighted to be blogging
         leap frogging
                  over words
                  over muddles
                  over huddles
                           of word lugging trouble
                  over word puddles
                  and into word puddles

elsas creativity blog
         elsas creativity blog
                  elsas creativity blog
                      is a blog by elsa
                            on creative endeavors
                      is elsa's trying
                            once more vying
                                   to reach the world
                                        let words unfurl
                                        let them rumble
                                        let them blog into the sunset
                                              over the hill
                                              down the dale
                                              up the mountain
                                              down the vale
              elsas creativity blog
                       is a faithful old horse
                                 that won't stop
                         it blop blop blogs
                                 a faithful old horse
                                     stopping now and then in its course
                                          to chew its cud
                                              letting ideas bud
                                     and then blogging alone
                                          blogging along
                                              clip clop blip blop

                         elsas creativity blog
                             elsas creativity blog
                                      elsas creativity blog

                                                                                     Elsa Schieder
                                                                                      July 9, 2006
                                                                                      © Elsa Schieder, 2006

A note for those of you who, like me, care that I sometimes write "Elsas creativity blog" and sometimes "Elsa's creativity blog." I prefer to use "Elsa's" - this is the grammatically correct spelling. But there are rules of the web. One rule: there are places where one can't use apostrophes. Another rule: one is supposed, at specific times, to use the spelling identical to the place where one can't use apostrophes.

From Self-Silencing for Fear of THEM, to an Unexpected Freedom. Elsas Creativity Blog explores self-censorship due to fear of Muslim retaliation, and speaking out.

How do I get my creative works, and those of others, out into the world? Steps, stages, successes, failures. All in Elsas creativity blog. Creativity - not easy to find/make a home for it.

From Self-Silencing for Fear of THEM,
to an Unexpected Freedom.
Elsas Creativity Blog explores self-censorship
due to fear of Muslim retaliation,
and speaking out.

How do I get my creative works, and those of others,
out into the world? Steps, stages, successes, failures.
All in Elsas creativity blog. Creativity -
not easy to find/make a home for it.