On being bored enough to scream by everyday pleasures,
but loving creativity. Having fun is no fun.
Writing, reading, performing, creating, thinking – pleasure.
Blogs on Creativity, Writer Blogs.

JUNE 11, 2006

like the boringness - for me - of what lots of other people find fun, or anywhat seem to find fun

"having fun" - chitchatting, this and that, having a long meal, savoring everyday things - most of the time I am bored out of my tree

even when the food tastes great, when the flavor is just right

as for talking about meals one has had - I can remember taking part in lots of conversations about that - and every now and then it's okay

but most of the time I would rather walk away

maybe I am going on about the boringness of everyday life because I have been spending a lot of time with Francoise, Philippe's mother, who is kind and caring and loving - but talks an enormous amount and also focusses a lot on food

but that isn't the only reason

all my life - all my adult life anyway - I have spent a lot of time trying to get away from the boringness of the way everyday life is usually lived

I endure that life when I have to

I do not enjoy it

****

what do I enjoy?

I am sitting under trees in a quiet spot. no one is talking. no one else is around. I am not bored.

I could sit here for ages and not be bored. I feel the breeze. I feel myself relax. I feel my crabbiness lift.

that's something I didn't even think of mentioning - my crabbiness. I have been in a lousy mood a lot this past while - always on edge, ready to turn sour.

no water in my well - nothing to draw on.

****

people often ask me, when I tell them of days alone at the country, "how do youy manage? aren't you lonely?"

sometimes I do get lonely, long for closeness - but often it feels good to be alone

****

where am I heading? creativity does not feel boring to me - writing, drawing, rehearsing, going over creative stuff

but alone, I do get stuck - especially when I am trying to edit something, to decide which way something should go

then I need someone else

but not someone to chitchat with, someone who intrudes with everyday chatter

I need someone with the capacity to see my stuff, to see it often better than me - or with fresh eyes, anyway

a little bit of good input, and I'm off, ready to go on on my own

****

Philippe is good with that - and getting even better - because he used to care that his suggestions were taken - and now he knows I care very much to get his input, but that it may and it may also not work for me - but that however things go, I value his input

****

all of a sudden Francoise flashes into my mind, chattering and chattering away - saying deep stuff about herself sometimes, going off somewhere else, saying other stuff, usually stuff she's said before, running off somewhere else - but in general not paying attention to what is going on in me

and perhaps worst - I don't have any sense that my being there changes things in her, that she gets much from me

****

I have worked very well around her this past week. I have focussed on this site, on page after page, on picture after picture, then revising page after page, trying to figure out the way the pages should look

but I have been at the edge of crabbiness - and that makes me very aware of my lifelong recoil from boredom, from things I find painfully boring

****

how does that relate to creativity? - my sense is that the boring is the enemy of the creative, that enduring boringness suffocates creativity (mine, anyway)

I have been taught not to be rude - and there are all kinds of times when I find it hard to cut off when I find a contact deadeningly doring - especially as I fear hurting people

a bit strange actually, to fear so much hurting people - to have the sense that they are very delicate

and I wonder now - are you (whoever you are, reading this) wondering if we could find each other interesting? or are you thinking of all the times you have been painfully bored? or did you recoil in dread, sure that you would be found boring if we met?

****

there are many people I enjoy being with, by the way.

As always, welcome into my world.

Elsa
creating, connecting, exchanging -
or anyway, trying to

JUNE 11, 2006

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2006
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2006

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