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On my way to my mother-in-law's funeral, I so much feel
the absense of deep grief. I regret, most of all,
the ways she was so long closed to so much. But no deep grief.
Diary Blogs. Blog Journals. Inner Self Blogs.

DECEMBER 7, 2007

ON THE WAY TO MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S FUNERAL

Something is wrong - and it is the absence of grief, real deep grief, the grief that grips so I cannot stop crying. I haven't often felt such grief, but I know what it feels like.

Here I cannot believe she is dead. I wish she were alive still. But the feeling of loss is muted. I feel her small body, her frailness. I feel, for a moment, her fragility - and also her closedness. Much feeling in her, intensity, passion, love, anger.

But something is wrong. Partly it is me. I grew up with a mother frozen from many of her deep feleings - too many hard things lived through in childhood. I am in many ways like her - usually better at taking care of than feeling caring.

Yet when my father died, I felt him around me for years - can faintly feel him now, very faintly. With her, I feel absense.

I have been feeling this absense of grief since she died. I feel regret - regret I did not talk to her more these past months since coming back from Provence in June, when I was with her for over a month, including the more than three weeks she was in the hospital. That's what I feel most strongly. Regret. Guilt. Philippe talked to her regularly. I talked with her every now and then.

It shouldn't have happened that way. But on the phone she was always brief with me. It felt stiff - unlike in person, when she would talk and talk.

Regret - that is what I feel most.

Yet I know that the last few years brought her many good things with her son - more time than in decades.

I want my own life to go much better in a deep way.

As always, welcome into my world.

signed,

Elsa
creating, connecting, exchanging -
or anyway, trying to

DECEMBER 7, 2007

copyright © Elsa Schieder 2007
publishing house - FlufferDuff Impressions 2007

Previous - December 6, 2007

Next - January 10, 2008

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Elsas Diary Blogs
explore an unexpected lack of gief.
Blog journals on death, disbelief, lack of deep grief.
Mainly a feeling of regret.
Diary blogs, blog journals, inner self blogs.


For more diary blogs -
on the dull feeling that comes from nothing coming together -
click here
.

For still more diaru blogs -
on an unexpcted liking (of my changing face) -
click here
.

For all of Elsa's creativity blogs and
self development blogs,
click here
.

Elsa's Creativity Blog
Writer blogs, poetry blogs, musical blogs.
How do I get my works out into the world?
Steps, stages, successes, failures.
Creativity. Not easy to find a home for it.

 

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For those of you wondering, just what are Elsa's diary blogs about?


elsas diary blogs
are not the same as elsas diary log - a jotting down of events, of time spent

elsas diary blogs, blog journals, personal blogs
     are stop and start
          on and off
       trying
       doing
       ever renewing
                    elsas diary blogs, personal blogs
                    elsas diary blogs, blog journals

elsas diary blogs -
     a short stop to bring you along
                           as I'm living my days
                           feeling my way
                           like a jungle explorer
                           creepers and crawlers every which way
                           how to get through the day?
                           I couldn't say
that's elsas diary blogs

where do they come from?
where do they go?
elsas diary blogs don't know

they record

elsas diary blogs, personal blogs
                    elsas diary blogs, blog journals



                                                                                    
 Elsa Schieder
                                                                                      January 10, 2008
                                                                                      © Elsa Schieder, 2008


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